Yeah, I'm fully aware that many women will argue me down on a couple of points. First point that is generally argued: "I don't HATE men." <-----Yes, you do. You're just in denial. I've spoken with you and I've listened to you...You hate men. Second point that is argued: "My feelings about men have NOTHING to do with my son, I'm a good mother." <-----Debatable. Your feelings about men in general and your feelings toward past mate will be transferred to your son, whether you believe me or not.
Okay, now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's talk about it...
I've never been married, so my point of view is as a single mom and I'm speaking specifically to other single mothers.
With that being said, let's narrow down the focus and most frequent cause of the Man-hate-----The Failure of your relationship with your son's father. Whether you hate ALL men or just your "baby-daddy"...your hurt and bitterness is an issue and it's something that has to be dealt with before you can move on and deal with your son(s) on a level as children needing to be reared and nurtured.
First, you're going to have to mourn the loss of the relationship, accept that you and he couldn't make it work, forgive him for all the stupid and hurtful stuff he did to you AND THEN you're going to have to admit that you, too, had a role to play in your break-up---no matter how much you and your girlfriends SAY you didn't, while ya'll sit around over drinks, watching (insert Man-Bashing themed movie title here). You weren't perfect, either and you did some stupid and hurtful stuff TO that MAN, also. <------Yeah, TOTALLY sucky stage to go through...but OH SO necessary.
Now, if you have no Daddy Issues, then maybe you don't have to go any further but if you're like ME and THOUSANDS of other women then you need to forgive your Dad for all the stupid and hurtful things he did to you, too and recognize that much of what happened with your father, when you were a child is NOT YOUR fault but FORGIVENESS is a blessing NOT a curse. You also have to realize that Fathers, whether good, bad, indifferent or even ABSENT are the templates for which we draw on every future relationship.
Phew! That's rough. It's a tear jerky place to be and it hurts like the dickens but we aren't made of stone. If you let your heart become stone, then you'll block out the love of your son, too...(I'm just sayin'...)
So, let's say you've cried, admitted that you're hurt and have done the necessary work on your emotions--now what? Well, it's time to digest some more hard truths: MEN AND WOMEN ARE NOT THE SAME. YOUR SON IS A MAN and YOU ARE A WOMAN. <------seems obvious but booooy, I can't tell you how many mothers treat their sons like their daughters. (SMH)
From birth your son has been a man. Oh yes, the package is small but trust me, there's a man in there! His brain is wired completely different. It's not a value judgment. Different isn't good or bad, it's just DIFFERENT.
Okay, have you absorbed that information into your very being, yet? Good, because the thing is, if you haven't really begun to like men, in general, you're not going to like your son.
The more he turns into the form that you recognize as a man, the less you will be able to deal with him in a loving way. You'll hate dealing with him, you won't relate to him, he'll "get on your nerves"...etc, etc. And you know what?? Your son will FEEL THAT REJECTION, that disapproval and that disappointment--all coming from YOU, his own mother.
As Mother and a Woman, YOU are HIS template for which he will draw on every future relationship. He will expect that all women will reject, disapprove or be disappointed in him. He will expect to have some sort of conflict with EVERY woman. Seriously, do you think that's fair to him?
So, here's my point: Get it together, chick. As mothers we have such a burden on us. We have to be sooo much more than we were before we had our sons. We have to be more self-LESS than we ever thought possible. That's just the way it is.
Let's get passed the man-bashing. Let's get to the inner-healing and emotional wholeness and well-being. Let's raise these sons to be productive and GOOD MEN. We gotta stop the hate.
5 comments:
So in your opinion can these wounds heal on their own? I mean after 10 years wouldn't you expect a person/woman to be in some way over what ever happened to her and the "baby daddy"?
In my opinion, if you do not consciously work on healing the wounds, then you're subconsciously in denial about them. Those wounds are destined to fester and remain open. I believe that you can push feelings about one's "baby-daddy" to the side but those feelings will become the "luggage" that you drag into all subsequent relationships. If the new guy displays ANY behavior even remotely similar to your ex, you will have a reaction that will appear disproportionate to the current situation.
You HAVE to go through the stages of grief. You HAVE to endure the negative feelings associated with heartbreak, if you don't...you won't be "emotionally healthy." NO, you can't skip a step.
Does being healed mean that you won't have ANY FEELINGS about your ex or your baby-daddy? No, of course not. But they will begin to be less like a dagger and more like a pillow. Ya know what I mean?
What a great blog D, I find some of it fist nicely with some of mine. I had psychos for parents so I always knew cruelty and cowardice are not men stuff only. I do however have a low opinion of men but I also admit there are some decent men around. Not many but they are there. Since Im aware it is a bad education that makes an innocent child into a bad man, I decided to be very careful with my little boy and Im pleased to say that he has grown into a decent young man who treats his woman with respect. And even if sometimes during his puberty years I thought : grrr typical man ! I looked at my mini man and remembered that he was after all my baby boy and deserved my love unconditionally. And yes it is important to let boys be boys and girls be girls. Good on you to blog on this very sensitive subject. Check my article called " are real men sensitive and emotional ? " it mentions that at the end.
Wow...Chantal (smile). Very interesting, indeed. You have to be conscious of how you interact with your son. I'm glad you mentioned doing that growl and looking at your son thinking, "typical man!"..that's a lot of what I'm talking about. I will certainly check out your article! Thanks!
cool. I often think that its not the baby boys faults if their fathers are...S.O.Bs. The only thing we can do is work from the inside by creating decent future men who will love and respect women, thanks to their moms and sisters.
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