The Baby Mama Diaries: The Purpose

The Baby-Mama Diaries: The Purpose

  

There comes a time in every Baby-Mamas life when two things become evident: 

1. This whole "mama" thing lasts longer than you thought. 

2. No matter what you do to try and "get along" in your situation, you may never really "win." 

Keeping these facts in mind, I have decided that I might as well do what I want to do and screw the "politics" of keeping the peace. 

Here's my new philosophy: There is no single path that leads to joy and fulfillment. The road to reconciliation with your status as a "baby-mama" is windy, rocky, up-hill and filled with unexpected pot holes. Therefore, it is up to each of us to choose the best vehicle to traverse the terrain. 

As someone who loves and requires the use of words to maintain my sanity, I will deliver my thoughts in written form. My 'vehicle' is this forum. 

Some entries will be experience; others will be hypothetical situations and their suspected outcomes. 

Either way, I anticipate a very cathartic and revealing experience. 

I think I speak for a great number of women in my position who wish they could just say, "You'll just have to be mad" because, let's be honest...you were thinking it but....

  

I Just Can't Quit You: My Ode to My Blog Obsession..and Other Ramblings...

I must admit: I have a thing for blogging. 

I did actually import ALL my blog entries from THIS blog to my OTHER blog-ya know to try and reduce the number of individual blogs I have out there...but checking my old blog site and seeing that it was all neglected with no views just broke my heart. 

So, what's a writing obsessed, slightly self-absorbed chick with a touch of megalomania to do?? Well...just re-ignite the old blog, of course!  

Who cares that I have three blogs? There's no rule that says I can't have more than one place to ramble about the goings on in my headspace! 

Surely, someone else out there understands what I'm talking about! 

...and even if no one out there understands, that's not about to make me change...    

It's 2013, for goodness sake! I'm breaking all sorts of imaginary rules this year!! 

Alrighty, enough of that.
Let the written ramblings begin!!  

Oh, Gwyneth! You Silly Girl...

Okay, so I was challenged to write about topics that were given to me by some Facebook Friends.

NO BIG DEAL, right? Well, of course my interesting mix of Facebook Buddies would lay at my feet some of the MOST difficult, thought provoking and controversial topics they could come up with.

This entry's topic comes from my good buddy, Carly Nickerson. Shout out to this lovely wife and mother. I hope that this blog entry is all you hoped it could be!

The Topic: Gwyneth Paltrow's Infamous Tweet:
 ("N------s in Paris for real!")<<<--- loosely quoting the tweet.


Gwyneth has everyone going crazy, right now. So many Entertainment News sources have been carrying this story. So many people have had discussions, even up to heated arguments about this little ol' tweet from a dainty celebrity.

Here's the first half of my thoughts on the issue:

You know what came to mind, when I heard about this story?: There's no such thing as BAD publicity.

Isn't that Hollywood 101?  I don't think that Gwyneth had any malicious intent. I DO, however, think she knew exactly what she was doing, though.  You know why I feel that way? Because, Gwyneth is a White, United States American, Woman, that's why. She knows the power of THAT word. C'mon. You know it's true.

She totally tweeted that message to get SOME sort of reaction. Isn't she currently working on Iron Man 3? I'm just sayin....

I will say, though, that SOME white people truly think that they TOTALLY have "provisional black card" privileges because they have "black friends." I know PLENTY of white people who confuse being around black people who say THAT word in FRONT of them with having the right to use the word themselves.

Now, I don't know about YOU...but to ME, Gwyneth strikes me as one of those "white ladies" who only has like one REALLY good black friend---maybe. I don't know her personally, obviously. But I would  say that the black folks she went to Paris with are the extent of her venture into blackpeopledom.

So, with all of those things considered, I think Gwyneth was out of line...but I feel she knew she would be and she took a calculated risk ---for the publicity. I mean, she has nearly 1 million Twitter followers. She knew SOMEONE could potentially get offended.

Onto the second side of my thoughts on this "tweet-paux"

Non-black people get set up, all the time, by this stupid word. The situation was DEFINITELY a set-up in this instance because the artists knew what they were doing when they NAMED THE ALBUM.  

You know how I know that? Because Jay-Z and Kanye are Black, United States American, Men, that's why. THEY totally know the power of THAT word. C'mon. You know it's true.

They also know that they are cross-over artists and that the majority of their fan base are DIE HARD fans. Meaning, they know every word and they RECITE every word---out loud...with passion.

Therefore, if you put 100 n-words in your 3 minute song, you're fully aware that you're creating a verbal landmine for your fans. Even if the average fan was generally great at self-censure, they're gonna slip up at least one time.

I also feel there's a terrible double standard about the word. I mean, rightfully so. Our history with the word makes it a sore reality from both sides. "We" use it and "They" use it...but they better not get caught using it...or else. Yeah, that's the double standard.

Black people are constantly making up arbitrary rules for when and how the word can or cannot be used and for when we will and will not be offended. Shucks, I'm BLACK and even I get confused sometimes.

Of course, hands down--if you say the word, with the "er" on it, while you're angry, out loud, to my face, trying to hurt me...you're a racist. That's the baseline...but what about all those other "gray area" usages? Is reciting a lyric okay? Is using the title of a song as a sentence not okay?

I blame the artists on this one. They WANTED the publicity and the controversy. Please believe it. They could have named their song anything but they chose to name it "N----s in Paris."

Evil geniuses, that's what they are....in THIS case.

Bottom line: I still like Gwyneth. I still find her dainty and sweet...and reaaally, reaaaallly white. *smile* Life goes on.

The Upper Crust vs. The Bottom Feeders

I have been thinking a lot about the fact that most people do nothing with their lives. I mean it.


Most people are content to remain mediocre, to not stand out---shucks--they don't even work hard when pushed to work hard.

 They LITERALLY resist any force exerted upon them to make them "better." I've decided to call these people "bottom feeders."

I don't know what creates a bottom feeder. I don't know why they exist. I've asked around. I don't yet have a good answer yet.

The good news is that my level of frustration about them has subsided a bit. I have had an epiphany and I think it has changed my life. I decided that everyone has a role to play and people play their part well--for better or worse.

The skill comes in knowing how to deal with people where they are and not where you would like them to be.

It's not enough to ask someone to be a better worker, partner, friend or a better person in general. You must observe people, record your findings about them (making a mental note) and then implement the appropriate "tools" or behaviors, in order to get what you need done and without hurting yourself or others (meaning "them").

The people who are driven crazy the MOST by bottom feeders are usually people who I will classify as the "upper crust."

These people are ambitious, driven to succeed, empathetic individuals who are not content to sit down and watch life pass them by. On the contrary, they want to make something happen. They want to make all of their dreams come true, reach every goal, win EVERY time.

Now, this is not about Good people vs. Bad People. This entry is strictly about those who make things happen vs. those who let things happen.

What's interesting is that sometimes, you cannot tell who is a bottom feeder, right away. This is why it's important to observe what people do. You have to wait to see results. If someone swears they're going to do big things, work really hard and fast to make a plan succeed---you may, at first, assume that this individual is part of the "upper crust." Don't be fooled! If they let the deadlines come and go, if they have only excuses and fail to produce results or they never seem to do things correctly, even after being shown how to do them again and again---YOU HAVE ENCOUNTERED A BOTTOM FEEDER...or maybe the bottom feeder is YOU.

How do you handle a bottom feeder? The answer is: In small doses.

Here's the thing: You can NEVER leave a critical component or the important piece of a project in the hands of a bottom feeder. It's NOT going to get done the way you need it to.

Sure, your bottom feeder has a natural talent but they lack the know-how or the willingness to take their natural talent to its full potential. They can't take their skills beyond the neighborhood---it requires too much and they're just not up for that sort of challenge.

If you need something from a bottom feeder, make sure they're your last resort or ensure that what you need from them can technically be replaced by something else---in the likelihood that they don't come through.

Another thing to remember: NEVER go into partnership or business with a bottom feeder. It won't work out. These people either don't know, don't show or don't care about the details of business (yes, you just got Doughboyed---that just happened, deal with it.)

Before you decide to sign on the dotted line, it's best to "test" your person to see if they have bottom feeder qualities. Ask yourself: 1. Are they always late? 2. Do they make promises but then never come through? 3. Do you find that you argue about the importance of the "hard-work" component of life and business? 

If you answered yes to these questions, you're dealing with a bottom feeder and you should refrain from a business partnership with this person---for your own sake and sanity.

If you can help it: NEVER get emotionally vested in a bottom feeder. Are they fine? Do they have a big booty and a smile? Yes, but do they pay their bills or do they always ask you for money? Are they always talking about how "such and such and so and so" hate on them so much or do they describe a world in which they're ALWAYS the victim?

RUN. You are dealing with a bottom feeder. Bottom feeders notoriously blame others for their own shortcomings. They are NOT about to take responsibility for anything...because that requires a level of self awareness which may be painful and unpleasant and bottom feeders rather have fun and what not...

(sighs)

So, ask yourself, are you a bottom feeder? Are you "upper crust?" Are you mad at this blog entry?

I'm only making an observation. I am not an expert in sociology or psychology or any other science of determination and of people.

I only know what I know. What I know...is .....people play their part. I know what part I play. Do you?

-D

The Love Rant: That "One" Love

I need to issue a disclaimer for this blog entry. Well, I suppose it's more of an announcement than a disclaimer...but I digress.

I need to state, for the record, that I am NOT a free-loving kind of person. It takes a lot for me to fall in love. I'm not one of those people who HAS to be involved with someone, in order to feel special.

I'm not a typical "chick."  Here's what I mean:

1. I HATE chick-flicky, romantical comedies or romance-y fuzzy love fest movies of any kind.
2. I very rarely say "I love you, " first.
3. I have NEVER envisioned my entire wedding day...and I think it's creepy when women go on and on about their wedding, when they don't even have boyfriend prospects.

Now, with that being said, I think that love is very important. I believe that it's a decision and an action word more so than a feeling. I think that feelings change like the wind but that love is a constant---until you decide to let it go. Even then, I think that once you fall in love with someone, a little piece of that love can still remain between two people. I also think that HATE is NOT the opposite of love. APATHY is the opposite of love. Hate is just Love twisted inside out.

Okay...now onto my thoughts on That "One" Love:

I have come to a personal conclusion. In my opinion, you (the hypothetical "you") will only have ONE super deep, soul searing love in your life.

This ONE love will make it impossible for any future loves to get as close- ever again.

I don't know why. I'm no expert. I just record my own experiences & observe things in others.

It's human nature to protect oneself from circumstances that have previously caused injury. It's why we don't touch a hot stove (on purpose) once we've been burned the first time.

Therefore, I believe that should that "one" love end with hurt and pain, you won't love that way a second time.

Let me define this "one" love that I speak of.

This love:

is carefree
is a seed that sinks to the deepest place of your heart and grows near the core of your entire being
is a love that surprises you
is a love that comes in like the wildest & strongest infatuation but lingers well after "puppy love" should expire
is where you love someone DESPITE & BECAUSE OF their flaws, at the same time
is where you hate to love them & never tire of them
is without caution or reservations
is where you let them peer into the most sacred & darkest corners of your heart & reveal to them the secrets that you never allow anyone to see & they do the same
is where you share ever detail of every thought you have, no matter how jacked up and twisted without fear because this person really SEES you & they're not afraid .
is where you can debate and argue and fuss but you never get sick of hearing their points of view
is where you see yourself with them for eternity without even thinking twice.

If you're lucky & blessed enough to have this person stay with you forever--good for you, well done, fantastic! But, if you're like most of us, this probably won't happen.

People are people...and sometimes things don't work out. It sucks...and the heartbreak that this type of love creates is almost without comparison...and it brings me to my point.

Should your "one" love end, I guarantee no one will be able to make you feel this way again.

I'm not saying you'll never fall in love again. I think that it's possible to fall in love many times. I just believe that once you have had THIS love...if  you EVER break up with that person...you will never open up the same way afterwards.

Losing that "one" love is like having a tsunami hit the shore of your soul and destroy everything you built there. Some say that they literally felt their heart split in half. I think that your heart breaks so hard that the devastation leaves a deep and permanent scar on your psyche.

It's a pain that no one is willing to endure more than ONCE. 

I think any subsequent loves you have will be markedly different.  The next loves will NOT be the carefree, soul exposing love you had before.

I believe the scar left by that "one" love will not allow for anyone else to reach those certain depths--like real scar tissue...they cover a place that was once tender and easily exposed.

Even if you fall in love and call the new love your soul mate.

How can you call anyone after that "one" love your soul mate? You ask... Easy...your criteria for a mate will have changed.

You can find someone else to be close to. They will make you laugh. You'll be very compatible. You'll get along with their family & friends and you'll thoroughly enjoy each other intimately...yep, all of that.

You'll let the next love in...but not THAT far in.You won't open yourself up and give as much of yourself as you did before. No way.

If you are in a place where you still have to deal with the person with whom you shared that "one" love, you know it can be tricky, especially, if you still get along. You have to be careful...

They still make you weak. They still know how to push your buttons.

God forbid you two still have a mutual, physical attraction...that's the worst. You will find yourself either giving in or doing a loooooooooot of work to avoid certain situations.

Your current love may even recognize what's going on. They may say things like "The way you look at them is different from the way you look at me." Of course YOU'LL say "Don't be ridiculous."  or something like that...but on the inside...you know they're right...

Anyway...the point of my love rant is this: You'll only get this love one time...just once. I don't know why...that's just the way it is....

I don't think that this love has to be your FIRST love. I also don't think that two people will necessarily be that "one" love to each other at the same time. Sometimes, one person is in that "one" love...while they're partner has already had that "one" love and YOU are their subsequent love...so they're not giving you all of them.

I think that's why there is so much heart break. I think if two people match love for love, they will be so linked that the odds are in their favor. They will probably stay together. However, if there's a mismatch...well...no need to re-hash my point...you get it.

So, go ahead, feel free to love. Just remember to be selective with who you give your heart to. It's only gonna be tender one time. I guarantee it.

The Mistress Club: The Beginning

Where were they? What was taking them so long? Vivian looked at her watch impatiently. 

It didn't usually take the girls this long to show up for drinks. They were never on time--but never this late. 

What could be the problem? Vivian wondered to herself. 

Just then, Jacqueline and Gabrielle walked in, looking irritated and disheveled. 

"What in the world happened to ya'll? Vivian asked, genuinely concerned.


Jacqueline glanced behind her, before answering.
 "Uuuggh! Mark happened." She replied. "Gabby was waiting to pick me up, when Mark rolled up to my house all with attitude. Apparently, someone told him that they saw me at the club last Sunday, hugged up with some random dude. So, Mark showed up to make sure that it wasn't true. TRANSLATION: He wanted to argue and accuse me of being hugged up with some random dude!" 


Vivian and Gabrielle shook their heads. 

"Oh, he's back on that again?" asked Vivian.


Things with Jacqueline and Mark were always VERY dramatic. 


Gabrielle sighed and patted the top of her head. "For a married man, he sure is rather possessive."


Jacqueline rolled her eyes at Gabrielle. "I know you're not gonna start with me, today." 


Gabrielle feigned shock. "I'm only stating a fact. Don't get all upset with me. I'm not the one running up on you like a gangsta. Humph!"


Gabrielle had a valid point. Jacqueline conceded. "Yeah, okay. I guess I need to get things straight with him--Again. I can't keep going through this."


It was a common topic of discussion amongst the three friends: the mistress/husband double standard. How is it that they could have their wives but the other women were expected to remain dateless?


Jacqueline and Gabrielle had finally settled at the table with Vivian. 


Vivian looked over to her girlfriends and smiled. How strange that they were so different yet the commonality of their romantic situations made them as thick as thieves. 


Vivian thought back to how they had met each other five years ago. 


She had attended a work event in a nearby city. She hadn't really wanted to go but decided to make an appearance--for him. 


She arrived and started to mingle with her co-workers and some of the vendors--it got old quick. She took a seat and began to scheme on how to make a graceful exit. That's when Gabrielle sat down beside her. 


Usually, Vivian felt uncomfortable when strangers sat near her, especially when there was available seating elsewhere. But Gabrielle was one of the only other few black women at the whole event, so Viv decided to give her a pass. 


Gabrielle extended her plate, full of chicken wings, meatballs and small snack crackers. 
"Want some?" she offered politely.
"No thank you." Vivian replied, holding up her hand. "I've already eaten." 
"Oh, no problem. I mean, I didn't see you eat anything since you got here, but aight, then." Gabrielle stated in a slightly accusative tone. 
" I ate before I came. I wasn't even sure I wanted to come in the first place." Vivian replied with offense.
"My bad. I wasn't trying to say you were lying...I just didn't see you eat anything." Gabrielle was smiling.


Her change of tone made Vivian chuckle. "I'm sorry, girl. I just don't really want to be here." Vivian explained, as if she were talking to an old friend.
"You don't have to tell me. If I hadn't volunteered to man our vendor table, I wouldn't be here, either." Gabrielle's smile had completely taken over her face. It lifted Vivian's spirit. 
"The things we do for men." Gabrielle said. 
"I know, huh?" sighed Vivian. 


There was a pause between them that hung in the air for a moment. As if, their mind meld required the utmost silence. 


"Girl, if you ONLY knew." Gabrielle said, half hoping that Vivian did want to know. 
"I'm not trying to be up in your business like that. I don't even know your name!" chuckled Vivian, nervously. 
"Oh, I'm Gabrielle. You can call me Gabby, though." 
"Nice to meet you Gabby. I'm Vivian. You can call me Viv." 
"Cool, Viv. Nice to meet you." Gabrielle said.


"Shoot, now I AM hungry." burst Vivian. "Can I have a wing?" 
"Girl, those wings are gone!" laughed Gabrielle. "I can show you which booth has the best ones. C'mon."


The ladies walked over to a red and gold booth, advertising the best wings in the city. 


"Hi, can I help you? What would you like?" said the petite young woman at the booth. "My name is Jacqueline and I make the best wings in the city. Which flavor would ya'll like to try today?"

Rants of A Single Woman Edition #1

This rant is a mixture of my personal feelings and the feelings of the women I talk to occasionally. Technically, there's no malice in my words. I am not trying to "man-bash" --per se but LATELY I find that men have had a LOT to say about women. I just wanna do MY part to balance out the equation. As a precaution, let me go ahead and state that this "rant" will be offensive to some. *smile*

Why can't you see your part in our break up? Do you NOT remember making me feel like an after thought? Why is it that you're mad at ME? I'm looking out for myself. How long did you think I would wait around for you to get it together? Why did you think I was just playing when I TOLD you that I was getting tired of the mistreatment? Are you kidding me?


 Why do you look at me like I hurt YOUR feelings? Remember that time you told me that you were just being honest? Well, I'm being honest, too. Yeah, you're back...but it'll NEVER be like it was. That situation is DEAD. I gave you a chance to act on your flowery words of love and commitment...and you CHOSE the other chick. So, NO, I don't wanna hear about how you love me now. Your words mean ABSOLUTELY nothing.

Okay, so, I can't EVER come to your house but you expect to drop everything and just be available whenever you want to come over? Soooo, you think I'm going to just put my life on hold for you? What have you invested in our thing to make you think that that's okay? NO, I'm NOT staying home this weekend. WHY can't YOU be available on a WEDNESDAY? Oh, because you're busy.?? Well, I'm busy too. No, I will not be answering my phone every ten minutes--just because you wanna blow up my phone. Stop it. When I can't reach YOU, I should just understand. When you can't reach ME, I'm doing you soooo wrong. I will not support your double standard. Kick rocks.

What?! You wanna tell me you're in love with me NOW??!! You couldn't say NOTHING to me when I lived in town but now that I live TWO STATES away you wanna communicate your feelings? Good Grief. Wait, you want me to move BACK?!! Have you lost your mind?!! What part of "MY NEW LIFE" do you NOT understand? You haven't given up ANYTHING. Why can't YOU move down here? Because of YOUR job. OH, so I'm down here just VOLUNTEERING, huh? Yeah, okay. I will NOT be re-arranging my life based on your whim. No, sir. You'll have to do better than that.


Why are you asking me for money? You have TWO JOBS! I have one job AND I have to support my CHILDREN by myself! No, it doesn't mean I don't love you but why do you want to TAKE MY MONEY? I never ask you for money. You're always talking about how "ain't no woman gonna use you"...but you have NO PROBLEM using me. Um, I think we're done here. No, I can buy equipment to do what you do for me. Thank you.

So, you don't think I do ANYTHING FOR THIS HOUSEHOLD? I shouldn't ask for money when we get divorced? Why are you fussing and ducking me? You don't think your children deserve child support? You're the one who was out there. I just want to get the financial help for the kids that YOU and I made together. If you wanna punish me for leaving, you'll have to come up with something else. Besides, if you see another man with YOUR children, you'll have a fit. Don't trip. Pay me.

*sighs* <<<----Emotional Exhale for the women out there who get what I'm talking about.

Don't get me wrong, I KNOW there are Ratchety women out there who do men wrong. Fortunately, today, this entry isn't about those women.